Moan for me like Helen Keller
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
