If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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