i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
