do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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