My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
