We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
