After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I had to cum in my sink.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
