remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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