she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
