I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
