Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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