naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
