Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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