whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
