life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
