My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
