Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
