He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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