There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
