i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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