Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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