the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
