Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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