I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
