woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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