Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
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