good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
