well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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