Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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