Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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