Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
