she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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