He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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