Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
