Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
