New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Michael Bay diarrhea
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
