You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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