I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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