Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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