It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
