i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
