The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize