So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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