He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
