he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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