when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
