if we break up, who will get the dealer?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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