i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
