I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Randomize
