May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
