Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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