I want to walk on stilts...naked
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
