Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
