Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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