we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize