Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
