last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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