Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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