After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
